Walking by Faith

“I’ll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” –Jeremiah 29:11

 

“To tell you my story is to tell of HIM.”

 

Hey guys! As most of you know, I’m not much of a writer. I just wanted to write something to show you how God is very much alive and has impacted my life so greatly these last few months. My story starts as most of yours—positive pregnancy test!! Woohhoo.. one or two? Pink or blue? Those are just some of those first moment questions that I had. Let’s just start from May 2. My church began to do a fast, and I decided to fast social media and fast food. Those of you who know me know that I would go as far as to say that I LOVE social media and fast food haha! When you fast, you are suppose to be seeking God even more than usual. I must admit that we had started praying together and doing a bible study, but I wasn’t reading the Bible much. Through the fast, I decided to start in Joshua because we had talked some about him at church. I remember so clearly asking my husband questions about the things in the Bible. I didn’t really grow up having a home church so he had much more knowledge than me. He would laugh at the way I would pronounce things because it’s usually me correcting him! Haha. I remember saying, “John Evan, isn’t it crazy how much people in the Bible had to rely on God? I mean they had to rely on him for EVERYTHING.” Well, I clearly could feel God smack me in the face on that comment in the days to come.  So here goes…

My husband and I were so anxious for my 15 weeks appointment because they told us that we could more than likely find out the gender. I was so excited! My family, friends, students, coworkers, etc all had fun making guesses about the gender. Well, we went in to do the sonogram and I left that room knowing something was not right. You all know how much of a worrier I am. I get it honestly from my dad and his family haha. So when the doctor walked in I said, “WHAT’S WRONG? Something is wrong.” He told me the baby was measuring small and that he didn’t’ see anything really to be alarmed about, but he was sending me to a specialist just to be sure. I remember leaving the clinic that day just like in a daze. I was a walking zombie. I kept trying to reassure myself everything was going to be okay and then I was like well what if it’s not okay. We had dinner with my dad and stepmom that night. They eased my feeling of being worried a lot. When we got home that night, we just got on our knees and cried out to the Lord. I couldn’t get in with the specialist until the next Friday. So it was a whole week of just stress and being so worried, but I remembered what it said so many times in Joshua to be strong and courageous so that’s exactly what I tried to do. Well before my appointment with the specialist, I started bleeding. John and I rushed to ER. I remember calling Lindsay and asking her if I should go to the women’s hospital or to the ER. She is my witness of how calm my voice was. The entire way there, John Evan and I barely spoke. I remember us praying and that was it. I remember thinking, “God this baby is ultimately yours and if you want it, take it.” After my reassuring visit at the ER that my cervix was closed and baby’s heartbeat was strong. I found comfort, but I knew it wasn’t over. We finally made it to meet with the specialist on that Friday. He told me everything I did not want to hear. He said that the baby’s stomach was measuring 3 weeks behind, the arms were 1 week behind, and the baby was just really small overall. He proceeded to tell us that the bleeding was my body’s way of rejecting the baby, and he thought I would eventually miscarry. I tried to be so strong sitting there, but it was hard to hear those things. John Evan was by my side the whole way. Here is the embarrassing part of the story. The doctor said what nobody wants to hear. I remembered telling him, “I don’t know if you believe in God, but I believe he has prepared me for what you are about to say.” He didn’t say anything to that, but at least God was sure that I mentioned him to the doctor. He said, “I want you to do the genetic screener. If there is something wrong with the baby, would you consider termination?” Before I could even answer, John Evan said, “Absolutely not!” I admit that I was so quick to consider it. I am embarrassed that I felt that way and I am so thankful for JE and others who made me feel the way they felt. My excuse was, “It’s not fair for a baby to be in pain their whole life.” Mandy (my mother in law) told me exactly what I needed to hear, “Kayla, it wasn’t fair for innocent Jesus to hang on that cross for our sins either. Termination is not an option.” So even after I had considered it and continued to think about it, I just felt like Eve from the Bible. LOL I was like my husband is all like no and I am being just like Eve from the Bible and thinking about it. Anyways, after we met with the specialist, I had another bad bleed and ended up back and the ER. Once again, cervix was closed, heartbeat was fine. Even in these horrible circumstances, God made sure to use us to show his joy to the staff at the ER. We got really close to the nurse and talked about how awesome God is to her and the doctor. It’s so crazy how calm I was in the midst of all this going on. LOL I remember putting on those humongous panting they give you at the hospital and laughing and sending pics to close friends and family. It was crazy that we could even have fun in the midst of the pain. I could literally feel God calming me and strengthening me. I am in no way saying these things didn’t’ hurt but geez God is SO GOOD. It was crazy how he was making such a change in me. I remember telling JE and some other people, “This is God’s baby and if he wants it he can have it. Who am I to keep something that belongs to him anyway?? Just like in the Bible where Abraham was willing to sacrifice his only son to God. I am willing to too even though mine is not really optional.” John Evan said, “I mean I have kind of thought of it like that, but geez I can’t believe you’re saying it out loud.” I think it kind of shocked him, and to be honest it shocked me too. It doesn’t sound like something in my character haha. I am a first born, bossy, control freak, I like things to go my way. So the only explanation for my behavior that I have is that God is in control. So many times throughout this I prayed:
God, please take control my of my mind,my thoughts, my heart, and my spirit.
Then I started praying:
God, please give me willingness to let you take over my mind, thoughts, heart, and spirit.

I learned it was one thing to pray for him to do it, but to pray for willingness to let it happen is even better because our human nature wants to take control. I just had to learn to LET GO. I had to learn to actually give it to him instead of saying I’m giving it to him.

I am not going to exactly go into dates but let me just give a brief overview of the preacher’s messages from the time we knew there was a problem til now:

5/22:
Anytime you do something God (hellur my fast I was doing), the enemy will try to take you captive. To win, there’s got to be a war. **Be strong and be courageous

5/29: ( my favorite)
Maybe he wants you to walk through the difficulties to the point that the difficulties don’t even seem that difficult because you see the power & presence of God in such a way that you hunger to hear his voice more than you want the pain to go away.
*Consider it pure joy my friend, when you face trials…. James 1

^^ This is the point I was at in my life. I started a war room and stayed in the Word for hours a day. I remember texting my friend Autumn and telling her that I knew she believed in the power of prayer so to please be praying for me. She invited me to church in Bethel. It was a service called, “Miracle for You.” Well on the way there, I got off the exit to Amory and saw something in the clouds. I remember turning around to see if it was still there because it was so crazy. I’m not lying to you when I tell you as I got off that exit I saw a cloud that looked just like a baby would in an ultrasound. It made me very bittersweet. It was just another sign to me that God is in control. From that moment, I knew I was not losing the baby, but Heaven would be gaining my child. Whew that’s a hard sentence to write, but I am still praising him. I prayed so much at that church service that my eyes were just drying up. I was at the point where I knew what was going to happen and had to accept it.

So for Memorial Day weekend, Mandy, Mitchell, John Evan, and I all decided to go to Tuscumbia to spend the night. We went to the rattlesnake saloon and Helen Keller’s house, which is something I have always wanted to do. It was a really nice time and helped me get my mind off things. I forgot to mention that when I didn’t know where to start reading in my Bible, I started in Genesis and have been reading since. It’s crazy how many people in the old testament lost their first born children. I actually found comfort in knowing that God took care of them and will take care of me.

I also found out that my genetic screener results were inconclusive which only happens 5% of times. I know the woman on the phone thought I was crazy when I laughed, but I was just like nothing is stealing my joy this easily. So we rescheduled the blood test. I went in to redo the blood test and I could tell the girl was pretty nervous about doing it. She was SO SWEET though. I told her everything that had been going on, and we talked about God a lot. She proceeded to stick me like 4 times. LOL I have never gotten sick getting my blood drawn, but it was awful. I thought I was going to puke or pass out. Finally the phlebotomist came in and did it on my other arm. Needless to say, my left arm was bruised for about two weeks but at least I had the opportunity to tell her how God had been working in my life. I was determined that everyone I came in contact with was going to know God’s love.  So after I left that day, I went to book club at Tova’s friends house. This is the day I had another really bad bleed, and I knew something was wrong. I just had a feeling that I was no longer pregnant. I was somewhat relieved to know it was all over, but I also dreaded having to tell everyone. Anyway, my last appointment at Sanders was this past Monday. Before the appointment, I told a few people to be prepared that I knew there wasn’t going to be a heartbeat. I just knew it. So Mandy and I went into the ultrasound and it was confirmed. I told the ultrasound tech that I already knew too because I didn’t’ want her to feel so bad. As soon as she told me I said, “Praise the Lord.” Mandy, the ultrasound tech, and I all shed a tear. It was a very sad moment, but like I said I was prepared. We proceeded to meet with Dr. Luna to discuss our options. I just knew that I wasn’t far enough along to deliver, but I prayed and said “Whatever your will is God. I don’t want to deliver the baby but if I have to I will and I will be okay. You have got me this far.” Well he gave us the option of surgery (which he didn’t feel it was safe, could possibly cause damage to my uterus, and I’d have to go to a place in Memphis to do it) or give birth. I opted to just give birth. This was really the only option in my book because it would give them the things they needed for testing as well. So we decided to do it Wednesday (6/8). It was a very long day, but God was with us throughout. We opted not to see the baby because they advised us not to and we were okay with that. I understand that some people would want to see it, but I just thought it would be even more traumatic for me. We did learn it was a sweet baby boy. I am happy to know that he is in great hands and will never know anything but love. I wrote all of this to let you guys know that GOD IS ALIVE. Although he didn’t perform a miracle and let me have a healthy baby, he did perform a miracle in me. I feel like a completely different person. This has made me realize that I depend on God so much more than I ever thought I did, it taught me not to worry about the future because nobody’s future is promised, it taught me how to love more than I ever have, it taught me that God is the ultimate comforter and no man can take his place, and it taught me to find peace in God’s creations (the outdoors, the birth of a baby bird, etc). Before this happened, John Evan was my comforter. Anytime I was worried or stressed, he would come to my rescue. Well, God quickly taught me that HE is the ultimate comforter even though John is my other half. We don’t have results from any genetic screeners or anything. The only thing we have gotten so far is bills!! Haha! I really hope after reading this story that you will find hope. I hope that you walk away and don’t think, “She’s so strong.” I want you to walk away and think, “ GOD IS SO GOOD!!!!” I hope my story showed you that he is sovereign no matter what. There’s so much more I wanted to share, but I tried to just hit the high points. If you want to do something for us, please do these things:
1. Pray for our continuous strength in the Lord

  1. When you see us, don’t give us the sympathy look LOL just treat us like you normally would. We aren’t walking around on eggshells. We love you and don’t want you to feel uncomfortable around us
  2. Thank God for our trial
  3. Ignore my grammatical errors in this. I know I’m a teacher, but it’s summer LOL

 

Feel free to share my post and a special shout out to all of you who have been there for us through all of this!!

Love you guys so much!